Yesterday after I got done nannying for the day I headed home. I felt some what bitter and upset with myself because I had taken the GRE practice verbal section and not done so well. Hey- it was my first go around and I have confidence in myself that I will master this; it is just going to take some practice.
When I got home Danny was excited to have the evening off and for some reason I wasn't welcoming his excitement. I was feeling very.. I am going to make this word work even if it doesn't make sense.. unidentified as a woman. I am 24 and I spend my days nannying and my evenings watching baseball. It just isn't enough for me. (so go do something with your life right? I am getting there.)
I cried to Danny and explained how hard this transition from college athlete and student to baseball fiance has really been tough on me. I feel sort of useless at times and am confused as to "who I am." I think for the first time in our relationship Danny said in words my thoughts exactly... "You want to be here with me because you know it is what makes 'us' happy... but what about your own happiness Alexis? You aren't satisfied with this and I am ready to support what ever we need to do."
Lucky woman huh? :-) I have never felt so understood.. We began discussing how we can make my dreams and career path that I wish to take fit his and we came up with this:
I have a minor in women's studies- I know it is only a minor, but I would really love to go to grad school for my masters and even doctorate in women's/gender studies. This past fall I was getting my resume and cover letter together to apply to grad school- a professor of mine wanted to really emphasize my interest in women's studies in my cover letter to try and have some sort of appeal.
In my cover letter I expressed my on going interest in the experiences of women who date, are engaged, or are married to professional athletes. Originally I was interested in understanding how these women participate in Guyland. Guyland is a great book that I studied during my undergrad about the world of "boys" and how it has changed over time. It isn't necessarily all terrible things, but gives an insight on some extreme and less extreme life experiences, rules, and "games" that are played in the world of "boys." To explain: older men/boys make the rules and younger or newer men/boys are to follow these rules to receive certain benefits; to be accepted into Guyland. There are three main benefits of participating: protection, entitlement, and silence. For example: protection from outsiders, entitlement to what and whom ever they want, and silence from those who disagree with a certain action or statement.
From this text- I was interested in mostly how women who are associated with professional athletes are required to participate in this sort of environment the men create and how they handle the constant tug-of-war in their heads when they disagree.
I am blabbing- so.. with this... I am wanting to focus on women associated with the MLB and MiLB to create a network with these women in order to gather personal writings or experiences that are associated with participation in Guyland.
For now- I lead off that idea with this. I have found myself at Barnes and Noble a couple times a week. I walk up and down every isle and usually end up in Self Help or Sports. Why? I am looking for a book in relevance to my life as a baseball woman. I have questions about how to handle myself in certain situations. Is it normal that I feel the way I do? Where do I go for advice? How do I manage my career, his career, and our relationship? There are many more questions... To my surprise- there isn't anything on the racks of Barnes and Noble that are relevant to my life.
I am getting to my point I promise. Shew-
I blog to feel connected and I read other women's blogs to feel understood; it is a sort of therapy. In women's studies- the important factor is to fully understand other women's experiences to help the whole gender of women to achieve equality. My idea: I want to collect letters, blog posts, experiences, advice, personal feelings from all baseball women (wife, fiance, girlfriend) and combine them in a book that offers an insight. Why not take blogging to the next level and expose the true look at our life?
I need this- We need this. If you would like to help me get this started, have further ideas to better my original idea, or would like to submit, please feel free to email me at alexisking24@gmail.com
No comments:
Post a Comment