Written by Nicole Johnson
Wife to Elliot Johnson
Editor at The Life of the Baseball Wife

I'm feeling pretty emotional tonight.  I just put our twins to bed for the last time as "two under two."  

It's been a LONG two years.  Honestly, it's been a long 2 1/2 years, which is about how long ago it was that we found out we were having twins.  

Time has gone so slow and so fast all at the same time.  

Cursed with postpartum depression, I found myself almost inside a glass bowl, kind of going through the motions, trying to not get too overwhelmed with the yells, the energy, the exhaustion.  Through trades and moves, I found myself caring for our twins and their older brother by myself a lot of the time.  I was an underwater version of myself.  

It wasn't until the past couple months that a lot of the clarity has finally started to come back.  I feel sad that I didn't get to enjoy their baby time like I got to with Blake.  I feel that they are closer with each other than they are with me.  I'm thankful they had each other, because I can understand that a mother that can be distant and introverted at times must be a weird thing to deal with for kids.  

I have spent a lot of the last couple years feeling like I was robbed of the joy I should be feeling.  It's not that I didn't ever find joy in my time parenting them, but I felt that many of the moments I had with Blake, and when we were a family of 3, didn't get to come as often with the girls.  I was too busy cleaning and cooking and caring for two babies to get to enjoy most of it.  

But now, they can talk.  They call me "Mommy" and they hug me and each other and their brother.  They like to give daddy kisses over facetime every single day while he's in the clubhouse.  They snuggle, they laugh, they run, they jump, they play.  

Skylar sings the ABCs, and Hazel loves to say "I love you!"  They know lots of sign language and they laugh with each other daily.  They love to dance. 

They seem like spritely little fairies that flit around the house and mess up everything I just got done cleaning with smiles on their faces.  Their handprints smear the sliding glass door because everyday, they want to go "ahhh-siiiide"  They make me put their headbands and clips in their hair on over and over and over again.  They like to wear crowns and play dress up with bracelets.

They love babies and push their strollers around the house.  They carry blankets with them everywhere they go.  They are like two little versions of me when I was their age, each assimilating different parts of my personality.

They are replacing the joy I once thought I lost.  They make me laugh, they make me sing, they make me dance, and they make me play.  

The road here has been hard.  Harder than anyone can imagine unless they have done it themselves.  But it's finally coming to the point where it's been worth it.  

I feel like I'm crossing a finish line.  

I can't wait to wish my two year olds a Happy Birthday tomorrow.  I can't wait to sing to them and eat cake with them, and I can't wait to watch them grow and for their personalities to evolve even more.

Thanks for showing me I could do more than I ever imagined I could do Hazel & Skylar.  Happy Birthday my sweet girls.  

The Baseball Wife

One Comment

  1. this was beautiful friend! You are such an inspiration girl, speak your truth and bring awareness. I am so proud to call you one of my best friends.